Thinking Out Loud

I woke up very early this morning with such clarity. I had to get up immediately and write it all down for fear of losing such vital information as to who I am and what I am feeling. I wrote six pages of truth in my journal. All of these revelations and epiphanies just came out! The words and thoughts were flowing like a little mountain stream.

I feel as though a curtain has been opened and for the first time in many years, I feel whole again. I am seeing my reality from my own two eyes. All of the searching within myself as to why I wasn't happy or content has been answered. It was there all along. I FELT it but was either in denial or oppressed or simply afraid of hurting others. And the truth is that I was deeply hurt and believed that I wasn't worthy of my dreams or desires. That they were simply nonsense or not achievable. And I was being unrealistic.

When something has been missing or nonexistent in your life, you don't really question it. You just assume that that is all there is in life. You give up your desires and needs. However, once that missing something is introduced to you and you get a taste of what it is like, you want more of it. And you start wondering if this wonderful feeling could last a lifetime... Your gut instinct tells you, "yes" but then those old habitual negative thinking patterns come back and try and deter you.

It's not been easy to see my past, present and future. It has been quite painful. But I'm remaining hopeful that this pain will eventually lead me to contentment, peace and happiness!