The Numbness Continues to Fade

I was driving in my car the other day and caught myself doing something which I hadn't done in years... I was SINGING! Not just quietly to myself like I used to, but out loud so the people in the cars beside me could hear! I never realized that I had given up or stopped doing something so simple yet also important in life. A simple act which brings about much joy and happiness!

Another realization which has occurred to me recently is the fact that I have never fully dealt with the death of Johnny. I think I was in shock and suffered from a mild case of post traumatic syndrome for quite a while. And with all of the other stressful events which took place following his death, I believe the pain got swept under the rug along with all of the other shit. Thinking back on it, it was immediately after his death that I stopped being Melissa and stopped truly living. Was it fear of life? Fear of death? Did I feel a sense of guilt that my life was continuing on? I think all of the above.

I remember saying a few months ago that I felt like when he died, I laid down in that deep dark hole in the ground with him. It has taken me years to climb through the dirt and dig my way up to the light where the beautiful flowers and trees are blooming. Where the bright yellow sun is shining upon my face. The birds are singing! And now I have accepted that he is gone, life goes on and I had better start living and enjoying mine. That is exactly what I intend to do!