Maybe I am a butterfly?

"What the caterpillar calls the end, The world calls a butterfly"
- Lao Tze Tao

Temporary Setback

My soul drifts aimlessly in times of hopelessness.

It searches tirelessly for meaning and truth ...

Yet finds no direction.

My heart bleeds quietly in times of loneliness.

It yearns to find warmth and happiness ...

Yet it somehow eludes me.

My eyes seek out visions in times of want.

They gaze endlessly through the blackness that envelops them ...

Yet they cannot see the light.

My ears listen earnestly in times of silence.

They search for familiar sounds to comfort and console ...

Yet they cannot penetrate the darkness that surrounds me.

My arms reach out frantically in times of despair.

They seek strength and compassion to enfold me ...

Yet they find nothing substantial to enwrap.

My mind cries out desperately in times of solitude.

It poses intense questions that demand answers ...

Yet there are none to be found.

~Kit McCallum

Time

Patience

Hope

Faith

No Future

No Past

Just NOW

The Pathway to Recovery

Homework

Patient- 1. bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint. 2. not hasty or impetuous. 3. steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity. 4. able or willing to bear (unresistant to some stimulus).

*Feel peace, contentment, and satisfaction that you are on the path to recovery and personal growth.
*See that overnight reformations are rarely long lasting; gradual change and growth have a greater durability.
*Believe that your day to day efforts, sacrifices, and changes are building a new edifice of a whole person with healthy self-esteem.

I. Beliefs of people who lack patience:

~Every time I have a setback or a relapse I get mad at myself for taking so long to grow and change.
~I can't stand things being out of order. It makes me nervous and upset with such disarray.
~I must be perfect so you must be perfect; if we are not, it must be because we don't want it to work out.
~There I go again, falling back into my old habits just when I thought I had them licked. This isn't the way it is supposed to be.

II. To increase your level of patience you need to:

-Develop a consistent philosophy of life. Take life one day at a time. Consider each day a gift of life that will allow you to get one step closer to your goal of growth and change.
-Accept the reality of your humanity in that you are going to need time, effort, and energy to change and grow. You will experience some resistance to altering long standing, habitual ways of acting, reacting, and believing.
-Reframe your perspective on the past, present, and future. Do not dwell on your past mistakes and failings. Do not worry about what you will become or how you will act in the future. Begin to live each new day as a fresh start.
-Wake up to the realities of life around you. Everyone with whom you come in contact is busy working through their own struggles, weaknesses, setbacks, relapses, crises, and obstacles to their personal growth and recovery. All of us are on the path to personal growth. There is no one exempt from this journey. It takes a lifetime to complete.
-Hand over and let go of the worries, concerns, anxieties, and doubts about attaining your goal.
-Confront your fears about attaining your goal. Remember, the world was not created in a day. Beautiful symphonies, works of art, and literary masterpieces were not created in a day. A lifetime is not lived in a day.
-Modify your spiritual perspective to include your God as a guide on this journey. Be ready and willing to face challenges as you strive for personal growth.

Lots of Maybe's

How can you desire something but at the same time it be your biggest fear? Maybe knowing it is my biggest fear provides me the challenge of embracing and conquering it? Maybe what I fear is an illusion? If there truly is a higher power and it is with us at all times, then I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not totally at peace and happy with myself and that is why I seek outside sources to fill that inner void? Or how about the fact that I've never in my life had to be alone and this is simply a new experience which I should allow to happen and not resist? Maybe this is another step in my journey to transcendence? Maybe this is one of those times when patience is required? Aaahhh, yes, there is that word again... PATIENCE! I'm such a patient person when it comes to dealing with other people, traffic, lines, etc. However, I'm not patient with life or myself. Something to ponder I think.

To the Unknown

by RUMI

Here you are.

You are, I know you.

And Here am I,

Who you know well.

Again we dwell in form together,

And I'm beginning to

Remember

As I watch you shine,

And project your wondrous magic show

Upon this place and time.

Give Me Patience

If there is ever a time in my life when I am going to need patience, it's NOW. I've never been good at waiting for things that I want. Maybe I'm spoiled? I've finally found something which I enjoy and gives me great pleasure. But I can't have it right now in my every day life.

It's like being a little kid at Christmas again. Everyone is asleep, the house is dark and still. The only thing on are the beautiful multi-colored XMAS lights which provides a warm glow in the living room. You slowly and very quietly sneak in and see all of the presents under the tree. You are so excited but know that you have to wait until morning to tear all of the wrapping paper off to see what treasure is hidden beneath. It is so painful to make that journey back to your cold, dark and lonely room. It feels like an eternity until morning...

They say that good things come to those who wait. Patience is a virtue. I hope I find mine. I don't want to lose this good thing ever!

LOVE

"Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen."

Who are you?

I can see you on top of an open and distant hill. The sun is bright and warm. There is a very slight, gentle breeze which fills the air with a cool freshness. There are no clouds. The sky is a bright and brilliant blue. You are alone and slowly meandering through the dark green grass and sparse white flowers. I can not see your face. I feel the need to get closer to you in order to try and gauge your state of mind. Are you unhappy or at peace? Are you lost or do you know exactly where you are suppose to be? Do you like being alone or do you prefer a little company? There are so many things I want to know about you. I am very intrigued, yet apprehensive to approach you. Will you reject me? Will I reject you? Maybe I should remain distant and watch you from afar and only speculate as to what you are thinking or feeling. Maybe you are doing neither? Maybe you are just in a state of BEING?

Balance and Harmony

My life is finally balancing out. I'm finally finding my inner peace and happiness. I thought those were simply just words which kept me going each day. An illusion which I didn't think was possible of achieving. Once I woke up and realized what I needed to do, everything which I so much desired has transpired and fallen into my lap. It's almost as if some positive invisible source is taking care of me. Once I "gave up" trying to control my own life and the events in it, life just started unfolding in a positive manner for me. It feels great too! I'm not worrying or obsessing over things which I can't control. And I truly believe things will work out for me. All I have to do is remain mindful, positive and not give up my dreams! I have love and strength in my heart which will see me through any difficult times. I love the upswing of life!

Progress?

So very tired.... but still hopeful!

Hanging On

I feel like I'm going to lose it! I really don't know how I keep my sanity and continue to be a good mother. I'm so exhausted! I'm ready to relax and feel the peace that is due to me. Very soon...