Letting My Sweet Child Out

I realized something about myself recently. I am still behaving in a way that "protects" my inner child. I put this wall up around myself any time I disagree with others, feel threatened, feel unloved or noticed. It has been so easy to psycho analyze myself all of these years. I know why I act the way I do. I just can't stop the old patterns of behavior.

Growing up with a bi polar, selfish older brother taught me to constantly be on guard. I learned real quick that I had to be a tough little cookie and never let him see how his critical, hateful words deeply wounded me. I still to this day hold on to that anger which was caused from never being able to get back or even with him. No matter how hard I tried to hit him back he would hit me even harder. It didn't matter how loud I yelled at him asking him to stop putting the pillow over my head; he never heard the fear in my voice. In fact, I believe my fighting back only gave him pleasure. If I tried to be sweet, nice and accommodating he would only take advantage of it and never show appreciation.

It's interesting to me to see how a sibling's behavior has shaped how I react to men. We hear all of the time about how a parent's negative behaviors can effect a child, but we rarely hear much about our siblings. I learned from such a young age that "men can't be trusted", "never let your guard down", "walk on egg shells" to please them simply by living with a screwed up brother.

I'm ready to let all of that go. I want to let that sweet little girl way deep down inside me out so she can feel the love that she deserves. I want her to not be afraid and realize that she is worthy of love. I want her to have a chance to enjoy being with a trustworthy man who is nothing but sweet, fun and loving. I think allowing this little wounded girl out is the key in helping my adult self let go of these negative thoughts and behaviors I have held on to for so many years. It's time for her to feel the sunshine on her face, smell the flowers and forgive her brother.