Floating higher and higher

Joy, peace, contentment, happiness... in love!

Downward Spiral

Roller Coaster Ride

Well, I've been at the top of the hill and now I'm slowly making my decent towards the deep dark tunnel at the bottom of the hill. All of the memories, happiness, pain and experiences over the last 15 years of my life are flashing before my eyes as this journey into the unknown picks up speed. Reality has set in as to what I'm about to do. What I'm giving up (or quite possibly what I will be gaining). What I'm going to put my family through. It's quite painful. I now understand the meaning of "gut wrenching". But even though I'm apprehensive and scared, I still feel deep within my soul that this is the right decision for ME! I have to remain strong and accept any consequences from my actions. If in the future I find out it was a mistake, then I will deal with it at the time. If in the future I find my peace and happiness, well then the pain and suffering will have been worth it. All I can do is try and pray and hope for the best!

Mixed Emotions

Sometimes I get so frightened that I'm making a huge mistake. I start questioning my own thoughts and feelings and wonder if it's really my true authentic self speaking. Or is it the emotions from years of anger and resentment built up and held onto? Am I scared of the change? Am I scared of what I'll be giving up? Maybe it's simply a matter of fear of the unknown? It's so hard for me to hurt others. I suppose that's why it's been so easy to forget what I want and my desires. But is it really living a healthy and happy life if I continue on with this lie I've been living? It's apparent I haven't been happy for quite some time. And my needs have totally been ignored. My dreams have been given up. And the sick feeling in my stomach every day should be a pretty good indication as to what I need to do...

Take the leap. Don't be frightened. Let go of the past. Remain strong.

Take Action

Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~Mark Twain

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Just Do It

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

– Mahatma Gandhi

Checkmate

Isn't if funny how life and relationships are like a game of chess? I look forward to the day in which I can sit back and simply be a spectator of the game and no longer be a player and an opponent. My marriage has been like a game of chess for many years. Only the thrill and "fun of it" died out long ago. Typically, I played the role as the pawn or occasionally the bishop. Never really having a plan or taking control of the game. I suppose out of fear. Fear of what, I'm not really sure... However, since I've grown emotionally and spiritually the game has shifted and I am in control. I feel like I am the QUEEN calling the shots. It's quite amazing to see how my opponent is now scrambling to revise his plan. Being extra cautious with what, how or where he moves.

It's quite sad that my marriage is being compared to a chess game...

Namiste

Thinking Out Loud

I woke up very early this morning with such clarity. I had to get up immediately and write it all down for fear of losing such vital information as to who I am and what I am feeling. I wrote six pages of truth in my journal. All of these revelations and epiphanies just came out! The words and thoughts were flowing like a little mountain stream.

I feel as though a curtain has been opened and for the first time in many years, I feel whole again. I am seeing my reality from my own two eyes. All of the searching within myself as to why I wasn't happy or content has been answered. It was there all along. I FELT it but was either in denial or oppressed or simply afraid of hurting others. And the truth is that I was deeply hurt and believed that I wasn't worthy of my dreams or desires. That they were simply nonsense or not achievable. And I was being unrealistic.

When something has been missing or nonexistent in your life, you don't really question it. You just assume that that is all there is in life. You give up your desires and needs. However, once that missing something is introduced to you and you get a taste of what it is like, you want more of it. And you start wondering if this wonderful feeling could last a lifetime... Your gut instinct tells you, "yes" but then those old habitual negative thinking patterns come back and try and deter you.

It's not been easy to see my past, present and future. It has been quite painful. But I'm remaining hopeful that this pain will eventually lead me to contentment, peace and happiness!

More Rainbows

The Beauty Within Peaks Out

I woke up today feeling great! I had a smile on my face too! Not because of some external force, but because I truly felt happiness and beauty spilling out of my heart because of ME. Because of who I AM! I told myself, "You are unique and beautiful and that's ok." "I can't help it or hold it back.". For so long, I tried to deny that fact. Always running away from myself. I'm not sure why or even it it matters anymore. But my true self is returning and I'm welcoming her back with open arms.

HOPE & FAITH

Rainbows & Sunshine

I feel like I've been in a coma for the last decade and now I'm finally waking up! Somewhere along the way I gave up all hope that my dreams can come true. I don't know what happened in the past or how I got off track, but I don't really care anymore. I'm tired of blaming others and/or myself. All I want to do is focus on the future and the fact that happiness does exist (and so do soul mates). If I believe in these things, that is all that matters. If there is a will, there is a way! I can finally feel the sunshine shining upon my face and I'm no longer going to turn away. I can see the rainbow in my horizon and I'm going to chase after it!

Here's Some Reassurance

You And I

You and I are connected in a way that goes beyond romance, beyond friendship, beyond what we've ever had before. It has defied time, distance, and changes in ourselves and in our lives. It has defied every explanation. Except one: Pure and simply, we're soul mates. I can't explain, I just feel it. It's there in the way my spirits lift whenever we talk. The sound of your voice brings me home, in a way I can't explain. It's in the delight I feel, when we laugh at exactly the same things. When I'm with you, it's like a tiny piece of the universe shifts into place. A place it's supposed to be, and all is right with the world. These things and so many more, have made me understand that this is a once in a lifetime, forever connection. A connection that could only exist between you and me. And deep in my soul, I know that our relationship is a rare gift. One that brings us extraordinary happiness all through our lives.

- Anita Higgins -

Staying Present

I love having days like today! I felt at peace and present. I wasn't worrying about what to do in the future or how things will work out. I simply cherished the fact that I'm in love and have met my soul mate. I didn't think about all of the dynamics and obstacles involved. I allowed the love in my heart to shine and comfort me. I "let go" of the things I can't control and told myself to have faith that somehow everything will work out for the best. We'll see how I feel tomorrow...

Found it

Maybe all of this time of searching for that missing something within myself has not been where I should have been searching at all. Maybe what is inside of me is all I need. Maybe it has been there all along but held back for fear of leaving those I love behind. I have to spread my wings and follow the journey I desire. I can't let what other people tell me is right be my guiding force any longer. Because they have no clue what has been hiding deep inside my soul for many years. I can't keep who I am, what I think or what I feel bottled up any longer. It is ME.

It is the

"I Am" in ME!!!!

Love: The Decision or The Passionate

So maybe I'm not alone in how I feel about Love. I've always felt it but never knew how to describe it... I stumbled across this site and felt as though I wrote this piece.

http://members.tripod.com/~sweet_home/passionate.html

Taking Flight

I've reached the end of my rope, but must practice a little patience in order for my life to fall into place as I desire. I'm ready and willing to take the necessary steps to achieve my goal. If others are hurt in the process, it is something I will deal with at that time. I can no longer worry and wonder "what if" because all of this type of thinking is simply fear holding me back from finding my peace. I've found what I want and need in my life and I'm not going to push it away. I was hoping to have found that years ago with a different person, but it simply was not to be. It's so very hard to close a chapter this chapter in my life. However, I believe deep within my heart that I am ready to start a new one.

Live, Be, Do It

Dreams

Baby Steps

Taking Control of Your Own Destiny

Listening- Very Few People Possess this Special Quality

True listening is another way of bringing stillness into the relationship. When you truly listen to someone, the dimension of stillness arises and becomes an essential part of the relationship. But true listening is a rare skill. Usually, the greater part of a person's attention is taken up by their thinking. At best, they may be evaluating your words or preparing the next thing to say. Or they may not be listening at all, lost in their own thoughts.

True listening goes far beyond auditory perception. It is the arising of alert attention, a space of presence in which the words are being received. The words now become secondary. They may be meaningful or they may not make sense. Far more important than what you are listening to is the act that arises as you listen. That space is a unifying field of awareness in which you meet the other person without the separative barriers created by conceptual thinking. And now the other person is no longer "other." In that space, you are joined together as one awareness, one consciousness.

~Eckhart Tolle

Cloud 9

I could weep with joy! I have not felt this kind of intense feeling in many years. I feel so beautiful and loved. I feel like I've finally reached out and found someone to notice me for who I am from the inside. I don't have to pretend or put any walls up. I can simply be me with no strings attached. It's quite refreshing! I am on that cloud floating above all of the worrying and unhappiness. Allowing it to take me higher and higher to the top of a mountain peak where the eagles soar. I might never come down.

Waking Up

Is it possible that I've lost or given up my identity to another person? Is it possible that I've listened to this other person's opinions for too long and now my own opinion of myself and life is a little askew? Is it possible that I tried to become someone I'm not simply to gain love, attention and approval from this other person? Is it possible that I've changed and this other person has changed and we're simply no longer a "match"? Is it possible to step out of those past roles I played for so long and move forward with this person? Is it possible that I'm a very lost and confused person and I may never find my inner peace? Is it possible that my life is spinning out of my control?

Anything is possible!

Denial & Fear

We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable.

~Alexandr Solzhenitsyn

Notes to Self

Please remember that life is not and will never be perfect. You would benefit greatly if you would take that word out of your vocabulary. Some things are simply as they are. There may never be an answer or solution. Letting go and letting life take its course might be the best thing you can do at this point in your life. Don't dwell on what you don't have at this moment. Appreciate what you do have. Revel in the wonderful feelings you are experiencing in case it does not last. Life is too short not to enjoy feeling special, alive, content, excited, and happy. You deserve it! No one really knows what the future holds. All we have is today. Please, please stop THINKING and wondering "what if". Let the feelings of LOVE happen and cherish it.