Faith?

As crazy, out of control, unpredictable and uncertain as my life appears right now to myself and other people, I still (deep down within my soul) believe that I will be ok and every choice which I've made over the past several months have been to benefit my future. I also believe that everthing has happened for some kind of reason. Some "blessings in disguise" I suppose. I am a little unsure of what the future holds for Don and I or where/when I will be working. But as long as I take it one day at a time and don't worry too much about the future, than I can relax and enjoy each moment a little more. I have faith in myself and in some kind of higher energy that I will have love, peace and happiness for most of my life! Sure there will be bumps or even mountains I might have to climb again, but experience has taught me that there is no challenge that I can not overcome. I really am amazed at my positive attitude. In the past I would have felt sorry for myself, hung on to the negativity and "wallowed in my sorrows". Something or someone has helped bring about a change in me. It has brought the true Melissa out again and I'm am very thankful! I am trying to have patience when it comes to my life smoothing out and having some kind of direction. I suppose that is the beauty of life... the mystery of not really knowing what is going to happen next! It's quite exciting really! :)

Back to Limbo

05/29/07 Horoscope

A strong sense of sadness can suffuse your soul today, leaving you wondering why you are being subject to such intense distress. Your response to the strong emotions you are experiencing will likely be to withdraw so that you can avoid all forms of social contact. Once alone, you may spend a great deal of time searching for antidotes to your unhappiness. But consider today that your feelings may have an underlying cause that can give you insight into the nature of your current circumstances. Even if your sadness disappears as suddenly as it came upon you, it can nonetheless provide you with a context in which you can examine your mind-set.The rich emotional palette we as thinking, feeling human beings have access to can seem to be both a blessing and a curse. The varied joy we are equipped to experience is balanced by our ability to feel intense levels of distress. When we give ourselves permission to feel a wide range of emotions, we discover that these feelings—whether we perceive them as positive or negative—add depth and color to our lives. There is nothing inherently wrong with the more painful emotions we are equipped to feel. Rather, it is these feelings that give us insight into those needs and desires that have as of yet gone unfulfilled and provide us with clues as to how we can constructively address them. When you choose to experience the sadness you feel today, you will see that it is a part of your existence at this time for a specific reason.

Taking a Break

Off The Beaten Path

I was thinking today (yes, I know, hard to believe!) that I no longer feel like I'm walking or running down a path searching for something. In fact, I almost feel like I've stopped along the side of a path and spread out my nice, soft, fluffy green blanket and sat down to have a picnic. I can see the mountains in the distance. There is a lake nearby. And of course lots and lots of different flowers. It is warm and sunny with a nice crisp breeze. I've brought along a kite, yoga mat, strawberries, hummus and cheese, crackers, a few books, of course one or two journals, a fishing pole, some wine and lots of water. I even packed a small tent and sleeping bag just in case this picnic lasts a day or two longer than planned.

I feel I am free to roam about and explore as I wish knowing that I can always return to my things which lay so neatly on my green blanket. I find comfort in my little things. They almost give me a sense of belonging or identity. I find comfort in my soft, fluffy blanket. It helps me relax and feel safe.

It feels good to be on this picnic with no direction or goal. Just sitting, being, relaxing, getting to know myself and my environment. Centered and balanced. At peace.

Am I Deserving of Love?

Just this morning I had a conversation in regards to not feeling worthy of love. And I found the following on my horoscope for the day:

Believing that we are deserving of love is a vital component of all of our close relationships as it enables us to participate in intimate exchanges without experiencing the fear of vulnerability. When we feel that some part of ourselves does not merit the attention and affection others give us, we may find ourselves unintentionally and unconsciously rejecting the warmth given to us by the important people in our lives. When we feel innately lovable, however, we delight in the devotion of our loved ones and take real pleasure in the affection with which they interact with us. We are also able to give affection in return, because we understand that all people are deserving of love simply because they are human beings. Today you will discover that your love for your friends and relatives is founded, in part, on your ability to let yourself be loved.

Reflecting on my behavior either currently or from the past, I can see that I have tried to push people away because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Or I am afraid of rejection so I create an emotional wall so no one can hurt me. It's not easy letting my guard down and being vulnerable.

The "little devil"

It caught up with me again! It has been a while. I was minding my own business (maybe not being mindful) and from out of no where, it crept up on me and wouldn't leave. It caused such an overwhelming feeling of pain, fear, loneliness and sadness it almost made me puke! Was there a thought or vision which triggered it? A memory? Or just some left over residue which needed to be expelled?

My old way of thinking almost blocked it. The wall almost came up. I almost allowed myself to ignore it and stuff it away and let it fester. But I'm learning from past mistakes and know that will do me more harm in the future. It's best to sit and visit with this little devil. Usually it brings me some kind of valuable knowledge about myself and my past. A painful learning tool which will make me even stronger!

My Plan

Making my choices and picking my paths. (And sticking with them!) Not looking back and not looking too far ahead. Having faith, hope, trust and patience...

Notes From My New Book!

"You have to learn to enjoy your own company. Before you can learn to be with someone else, you need to learn to be alone. Until you are comfortable being with yourself, you will always be afraid of being alone."

"Life is choices. In every moment the only question we need to ask ourselves is, Which of the options before me will help me become the-best-version-of-myself?"

"What makes a good relationship? A good relationship is one where we are challenged and encouraged to be the-best-version-of-ourselves..."

"The more authentic we are within ourselves, the more authentic we can be with those we love."

"You will never be happy until you learn to make gratitude part of your daily emotional and psychological diet. You will never have a great relationship until you learn to truly appreciate the wonder of another person. And you will never experience the depths of intimacy until you grow to be thankful for the opportunity to share the journey with another person."

~Matthew Kelly
The Seven Levels of Intimacy

Hanging Out to Dry

Sagittarius Daily Horoscope

You may find yourself plagued by feelings of unfocused discomfort today as you endeavor to move smoothly through your usual routine. It is likely that a portion of this unease is related to private matters or your relationships, even if these elements of your life have no role to play in your day's activities. You may be carrying feelings that originated in the past, though they likely serve no purpose in your current experiences. To quell any moodiness you may feel today, try examining its root. You will likely discover that you can divest yourself of distressing feelings by recognizing that they do not pertain to your life as it exists in the present moment.Our feelings are typically rooted in specific events or situations, yet we often carry these emotions with us into new circumstances without considering why we do so or the impact they will have on our mind-set. Our emotions, however, need not bleed into one another like fresh paint on the canvas of our souls. When we recognize that life is made up of moments, we gain the ability to erect barriers between one moment and the next. Though we may not always want to do this, it can be a useful talent when we are moving from a sorrowful situation into one of joy as the discomfort we might otherwise have felt is replaced by the pleasures of this other element of our experience. The discomfort you feel today will vanish once you have compartmentalized those emotions that were causing you distress.

My Zinnias :(

A Little Bump in My Road

It isn't easy being a quitter. It is in my nature to be a perfectionist, a high achiever and to never give up. I had such high hopes for us. I wanted to be one of those couples who defied the odds and stuck with it. Marriage was important to me. I was very loyal and committed. I believed it would last for all of my life. Sharing hopes, dreams, sorrows, fun... But we quit sharing. Everything. We both gave up. I feel like a failure sometimes. I had such high expectations on myself, on him, on our marriage.

Now what?

Blame

Maybe it was you who kept the wall up and didn't allow anyone in. Maybe the mistrust ate a hole so big through your heart that you became an empty shell. You didn't show any emotions or certainly didn't express any honest ones. You thought you had to "keep it together". You thought you had to be so strong. Maybe those were the qualities that drove people away? Maybe it will continue to drive people away? Maybe you were destined to be alone all of your life. Some kind of punishment. For what I haven't a clue. Maybe you should have tried a little harder or longer. Maybe. Maybe you shouldn't place blame on anyone and keep moving forward.